I am talking about ME. Today has just been a mess and I need to get it out before I break something. Before reading this...I'm warning you...it's full of complaining, meanness, and a whole bunch of crap. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just need to get this out. So, read on if you dare...if not, then wait till I post something happy.
I guess it all started last night at about 11pm. Ethan woke up crying, so I went to check on him. I met him at his door, and so I picked him up. I quickly noticed that his bum was all wet. Great. His diaper leaked and his bed was all wet too. So, I changed his clothes and just threw him in bed with me (brian, of course, was at work). He kicked me all night long. I hardly slept a wink. Then he woke up at 7:15am. I was so tired. I am still so tired. But of course the day had to go on. Brian got home shortly after that, and the boys took a bath together while I checked my email and made some muffins for breakfast. Of course, Brian didn't like them because he's picky. I, on the other hand, thought they were awesome, and I couldn't stop eating them. Brian was going to sleep for a few hours, then we were going to carve Ethans pumpkin and go to dinner at Logans because we had a Buy One, Get One Free meal deal thing. He didn't have to work tonight. So, Ethan and I left him to get some sleep. Meanwhile, Ethan is BOUNCING off the walls. I'm not even kidding. I don't know what happened to this kid, but he was more energized then normal. He didn't want to stay upstairs, and he was being too loud downstairs, so I figured we'd just get out of the house. We ended up going to Bowling Green and walking around the mall. I didn't hear my phone, but when I checked, Brian had called and left a message. He said that he was still awake so we might as well just do something. So, I tried calling back. No answer. I thought that maybe he wasn't in hearing distance of his phone, so we started back home. When we got home, of course he was asleep. It was just past noon, so I figured that I'd put Ethan down for a nap and then wake Brian up when Ethan woke up. Well, Ethan decided he didn't want a nap. He stayed in his room for about 1 1/2 hours before I just gave up and let him out. Tried to wake up Brian, but he wouldn't wake up. So, I figured I'd let him sleep for another hour or so. I packed up Ethan to go to Walmart to see if we could find another pumpkin too. They didn't have any. On the way home, Ethan fell asleep. It was 3:30pm. Great...a late nap. I thought maybe he'd wake up when we got home and I got him out of the car, but he was still zonked. I laid him in his bed. At this point, I was getting frustrated. We were supposed to be carving pumpkins, and getting ready to go to dinner. Brian was still sleeping and again, I couldn't wake him. He doesn't get days off very often, and when he does, it's just like another working day because he sleeps. I know that he's exhausted. I would be too. But, I miss him. We never get to spend time together. It's hard.
So, I let Ethan sleep till 5pm. I went and woke him up and then we woke up Brian. He said that he was just still so tired and didn't really want to go to Logans. I KNEW IT! Everytime we make plans for anything, they are always canceled and we don't do it. I'm not blaming Brian, I'm just saying that its so totally annoying and I hate it. I was so disappointed. I told him that I didn't have anything planned for dinner because we were supposed to go out. We ended up going to a restaurant in Franklin but the whole time he was just dragging. And it started to rain. All the while, Ethan is STILL bouncing off the walls and I'm getting irritated that he can't just sit still for 2 seconds! I was already in a bad mood because the whole day just seemed to be a mess. Once again, I was looking forward to something and it didn't happen. I'm glad that we were able to go out, but because I was in a bad mood, it didn't seem to be worth it. I didn't see the point.
When we got home, it just got worse. My house is a mess. The dishwasher needed to be emptied, and the dishes were piled to the ceiling in the sink. Ethans toys were everywhere, and I had laundry to fold. But instead of getting to work, I just plopped my fat butt down on the bed and turned the TV on. Brian laid down with me and we watched about 30 minutes of TV together until Ethan came into our room with a wet stain on his shirt. He had been running in and out of the room, playing with his toys. In the mean time though, he got into the Windex, and sprayed the whole kitchen. He opened the dishwasher and sprayed all the clean dishes. He soaked the floor. I was beyond livid! But, I wasn't watching him, so I guess it was my fault. I just NEEDED a BREAK! So, I cleaned the kitchen floor, cabinets and started a clean load of dishes.
When I am really angry, or frustrated, I clean. So, I started to clean. I started with the bathtub in our bathroom. Brian and Ethan are the most users of this tub, but I still get stuck with cleaning it. Ethan is trying to help me, but just getting in my way. Then I vacuumed, with Ethan in my way. I finally just put him to bed because I couldn't handle it anymore. Then I washed all the dishes by hand that were in the sink and cleaned the kitchen. I still have to fold laundry, clean the bonus room, and figure out how to sleep tonight.
This might not sound bad. I know. But, I am so frustrated. I miss my husband. I feel like a single parent. I hate it when we plan something, and it fails. I'm depressed. I want to cry all the time. I need a break away from Ethan sometimes but I don't get it because Brian is ALWAYS at work. We have debt. It's amazing to me that he works 6 days a week, and yet we still run out of money. I want so badly for him to have a day job during the week. I want him to be able to participate in fun things that we do at night and on the weekends. He misses so much, and it's so sad. I am so lonely. I sleep alone (unless ethan wets the bed), I wake up alone, I eat alone, I am just always alone. My patience is being tested to the limits. I'm tired though. I just want the blessings now because I don't think I can handle much more of this. Days like this shouldn't put me into a mean mom, attacking wife fit. I should be able to just let it go. But, I can't. Everything builds up, and builds up and I'm lost.
He goes back to work tomorrow night. We're supposed to go to Hendersonville to Trick-or-Treat with Ethan, but I'm almost betting that it isn't going to happen. I am in such a negative mood, I need someone to slap me. I should be grateful for what I have. Grateful that I get to stay home with Ethan and watch him grow. Grateful for a beautiful home. Grateful for a husband who has a job. But, I'm in a rut and all I want to do is complain. I know it isn't going to get me anywhere, but right now, maybe it will make me feel a little bit better.
And to top it all off, I'm doing terribly on my diet. Like I said, I'm an emotional eater, and this week has been a roller-coaster. I'm so mad at myself. I have one pair of jeans, ONE PAIR, that I can fit into right now. My belly hangs out all over the place, and I feel like crap. Yes, I know how to fix it. But for some reason, I can't seem to do it. I feel so ugly and unattractive and it's all my fault. If I had more self-control then it would work. I've also been put on a 90 day hold at curves just to save that money. So, I'm not working out. I wouldn't be surprised that by the end of the year I gained 100lbs.
Right now, my life sucks. Yes, I have good days, but today was not one of them. I am sick of being patient. I'm sick of not getting results. I'm just SICK OF IT ALL
And here is the finished project. I rolled each of them up and tied them with a ribbon. 
Its a rubber iguana that stretches and such. He was shirtless, of course, and somehow he managed to snap his back with the tail. He had been pulling the tail and letting go...and it bit him. That cry was horrendous. I've never heard that cry before, and I wanted to just sit and cry with him. A huge welt formed on his back immediately. 
